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Unsuccessful
Cures or “Things that do not work in dealing with sex
addiction”
By Dr. Milton S. Magness
milton.magness@sbcglobal.net
Resolutions, oaths,
promises
What do people do to curb compulsive sexual behavior? They try a lot
of things—and many of them are ineffective.
I often hear persons say that they have finally figured out what
they needed to do to get freedom from their sex addiction. They say
something like, “I promised God I wouldn’t act out any more.” And
when I ask, “Have you done that in the past?” They say, “Yes.”
“So how has that worked so far?” So that you don’t get the wrong
idea about what I am saying, I am a Christian who believes strongly in the
ability and power of God to deliver people from any addiction. At the same
time, it has been my experience that God often uses therapists, 12-step
groups, and other recovering people to help guide addicts out of
addiction.
Many sex addicts have believed the lie that the reason they act out is
because they haven’t prayed right, believed right, worshipped right, or
some other deficiency in their religious life. But the reason they act out
it not any of those reasons. They act out because they are addicted!
Promises, to God, to partner, to self, are ineffective in curbing
compulsive sexual behavior. Ex: “I’m going to read my Bible more
often,” “I’m going to participate in more religious activities,”
or “I’m going to pray more.” That is well and good unless they mean
that they are going to do those things instead of other recovery
activities.
Geographical
cure:
“I am going to move to another
city where there is less opportunity to act out.” “I know where all
the acting out places are.” One man said, “If I could just move, I
could control my acting out.” A
variation on this, “I am going to get a different job. I won’t be able
to stop acting out until I get away for the opportunities to act out that
are part of my current job.” {Note: These may be a
condition of your recovery, but it is definitely not a cure!}
Get
married or getting into a relationship:
Whether this is a teenager or
someone that is much older, single people often believe the answer to
acting out is to just get into a relationship or into a marriage so they
can have sex with their partner as often as they like.
Get out
of a relationship or marriage:
Sometimes coupled with this is the belief that if they just had a new
partner, then everything would be alright.
Finding a
drug to cure the addiction:
I have heard people say, “If only I could find a drug that would lower
my sex drive.” And, some have sought out physicians to give them
something that would cure their compulsive sexual behavior. Some men have
gone so far as to castrate themselves in an effort to stop their behavior.
Outgrowing
the addiction:
Some people think if they just hang on long enough they will out grow
their addiction. But I know a number of people well past seventy years of
age that will tell you that their addiction is still present, even if it
is under control because of their work in recovery.
Other
things that do not work in eradicating sex addiction:
Worry, Self-pity & Rule-keeping
(I’m not talking about healthy boundaries here but of creating a rigid
rule system that creates walls where boundaries should be)
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