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Masturbation In Marriage and Soul Warping Effects
From:
Be Broken Ministries, Inc. The
Soul Warping Effect From
Chapter 6 of The
Road to Grace. ©Copyright
2005 Mike Genung Obsessed
with the ring, Smeagol leaves everything he knows and retreats alone to
the Misty Mountains. His new home is now a dark, cold, damp cave, quite a
departure from the warm cottage normal Hobbits live in. But none of this
matters now; the ring is Sméagol’s comfort and friend, his most
precious possession. Blinded by obsession, Sméagol couldn't see how the
ring was changing him. In his isolation he turns "outside in"
and his personality splits in half; in the movie we see Smeagol talking
and fighting with himself as often as he does with Frodo and Sam. He gives
up beer, a thing unheard of for a hobbit, and lives on raw fish. He
shrivels up physically, losing most of his teeth and all but a few strands
of his hair. His voice becomes a raspy hiss and he rarely smiles, except
when caressing his "precious.” The warped half of Smeagol's
personality overtakes him, and he becomes Gollum, a name earned from the
hard swallowing noises he makes. Like Gollum,
today there are many who obsess about a different kind of precious. They
discover masturbation in their youth, and it's something they must have so
they retreat often to isolation to be alone with the precious. They don't
see what it's doing to them until later when they sense there's something
wrong... In his 1994
book “The Sexual Man”, Dr. Archibald Hart surveyed some 600 Christian
men on the subject of masturbation. Of the married men who responded, 61%
said they masturbated, with 82% saying they did it once a week. 96% of
single men under the age of 20 admitted to a masturbation habit. Since so
many Christian men are having sex with themselves you’d think they liked
doing it, but in Dr. Hart's survey only 23% gave "enjoyment" as
a reason for doing it. The rest said “from habit,” “because of their
sex drive,” “they were addicted to it,” or from “lack of an outlet
for sex” as the reason they engaged in masturbation.
In a weird twist, only 13% said they thought masturbation was a
normal act, yet 97% said they didn't feel guilty about it. (Gollum's split
personality comes to mind here.) How could this be? From experience I know
my conscience is seared when I do something repeatedly that I don’t feel
good about. Could it be there are many men who would rather do without
self-sex but don’t know how to stop? In her book
“An Affair of the Mind,” Laurie Hall writes, “Sex was created to
send us outward. The word intercourse means “communication, a connection
between people.” When we choose to make it our own we are saying we
don’t want to be bothered with the hard work of communication; we’re
not interested in connecting with anyone but ourselves. We are the center
of our own universe… When the focus of sex is self-bent and inward,
there can be no spirit to spirit communion with the person we love.
Instead… masturbation implodes a man, driving him further into
himself… When we are self-absorbed in our sexuality we will be
self-absorbed in every aspect of our daily lives. The wife of a man who is
enslaved to masturbation will not only be shut out of his sexuality, she
will also be shut out of daily decisions and daily occurrences. He
jealously guards it all for himself. He cannot afford to let anyone in. To
do so would destroy his illusion of control.”
Laurie knew what she was talking about; her husband was a full
blown sex addict. From my
teenage years until I was 36, self sex was a part of my life (I got
married at age 26). Like the others who responded to Dr. Hart's survey I
don't think I could have said enjoyment was why I did it; the emotional
hangover lasts much longer than the pleasure, sometimes for days. When the
act was over there was always a strong sense that something was missing.
As Laurie wrote, sex is about connection and communication,
spirit-to-spirit communion with the person we love. When I masturbated
there was no other person, so an emotional misfire took place. Instead of
bonding with another in warmth, intimacy and love, I was haunted by
loneliness, isolation and shame. There isn't
anything about masturbation that fits. When I tried to disconnect the
spiritual from the physical, telling myself I needed masturbation just for
physical release, I still felt empty afterwards. The spiritual component
of sex can't be separated from the physical.
Masturbation messed up my marriage bed. I didn’t struggle with
premature ejaculation, but I could have pleased my wife a lot longer than
I did (today after not having masturbated since 1998 it's different). It's
no accident when sex between husband and wife is a short story; it's what
the husband trains himself to do when he masturbates. The man who
masturbates robs his wife of himself. She wants emotional and physical
intimacy, not just a rush to the finish line. She wants to know him, and
for him to hold her, commune with her and cherish her, not use her like a
plaything. She wants to enjoy his company, like two best friends having a
good meal. Masturbation stunted my emotional growth. Opening up with my
wife on a deeper level got harder as time went on, to the point where it
felt like I was running from her at times. I'd spent so much time in
isolation that I felt trapped inside; yet I was the one holding myself
hostage. Like Gollum,
I was blind to what my precious was doing to me. I was self and sex
obsessed, driven by urges. If I couldn't have my precious I got angry,
anxious or depressed. Sex was my god, comfort and love; the source of
life. I think the worst part was the separation from the Lord I
experienced when I made a few seconds of pleasure my source of life and
acceptance. I knew Jesus had living water that could fill my soul, but I
“drank from myself” instead (sounds a little sick doesn’t it?) I
grieved the Lord with my choice to make self sex my comfort.
Of course, the other obvious problem with masturbation is that many
men use it with pornography, and/or they run sexual fantasies in their
mind during the act. From Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:28 we know this is
sin, mixing self-sex with lust. Let’s turn
our attention to God’s word now and see what He might say about
masturbation. What I hear the most from other Christians about
masturbation is it's ok “because it’s not in the Bible.” But, if
“thou shalt not” is the standard for whether something is sin or not
then we can light up a joint because there is no “thou shalt not smoke
pot” in the Bible. “Hey wait a minute!” you say. “It’s obvious
smoking marijuana is a sin because of the verses in the Bible prohibiting
drunkenness, and smoking pot clearly violates this principle in God’s
word!” I agree; we need to
look at the principles in God’s word as well as the Thou Shalt Nots.
Let’s examine a few of those principles. Principle
#1: The only time when sex is sanctioned in God's word is in the context
of a marriage between one man and one woman. In Genesis 2 we read
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be
joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”. Note the “two
becoming one” emphasis - that connection-communion thing again. In
Hebrews 13:4 we read: Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and
the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God
will judge. Here again,
the marriage bed is the sole context given for God sanctioned sex.
Now, carefully read this verse:
Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am (single).
However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and
another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good
for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control,
let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:7-9 If
masturbation was a viable outlet for expressing sexual burning, wouldn’t
God have had Paul write something like this: "But if they do not have
self-control, let them masturbate or marry; for it is better to have sex
with self or marry than to burn with passion?" Masturbation is never
mentioned as a legitimate means for fulfilling sexual desire in God's
word; marriage is the only outlet given. Or, put another way, masturbation
isn't in the Bible. The one
man/one woman connection is developed again in the following verses:
Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God
will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for sexual immorality,
but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Do you not know that your
bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ
and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know
that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her?
For He says, "The two shall become one flesh." But the one
who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee sexual
immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but
the sexually immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know
that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have
from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a
price: therefore glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:13,15-20 Note how
“the body… is for the Lord,” “your bodies are member of Christ,”
“But the one who join himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him,” and
“your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit,” are weaved in with the
prohibitions against immoral sex, highlighting the importance of spirit to
spirit communion. As God's children we are one spirit with Him and He
lives in the temple of our bodies. We'll come back to this. Principle
#2: Masturbation is never offered as a way to deal with depression or find
comfort. Principle
#3: We are to receive our comfort from Christ Principle
#4: We are to be the master of our bodies and their accompanying urges; we
don't allow our flesh to rule over us.
But I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that,
after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.
I Corinthians 9:27 Beloved,
I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which
wage war against the soul. 1
Peter 2:11 All things are
lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful
for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.
1
Corinthians 6:12 "For
this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain
from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own
vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the
Gentiles who do not know God…1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
Maybe
you’re reading this and thinking, “OK, I want live without
masturbation, but how do I stop? I’ve tried before and the urges always
overwhelm me.” 1. First,
let’s be honest: this won’t be easy, especially if masturbation is an
ingrained habit. Dealing with our sexuality doesn’t mean we deny it,
stuff it, or put on a phony Good Christian Who Never Gets Horny act. We do
have these desires, and it’s not always easy to say no. 2. When
sexual desire hits, remember that sex is about connection with another;
you are one spirit with the Lord and He dwells in your temple, and He
waits for you to come to Him. Instead of misfiring with masturbation,
boldly approach Abba at the Throne of Grace for His strength and comfort
(Hebrews 4:16). Look at His face and expose the struggle in your flesh to
Him. Drink deeply of His Living water and soak in His presence. 3. The first
few months are always the toughest and there will be times when you need
help to make it. (You are involved with a group or have at least one
accountability partner by now, right?) When you're overwhelmed, get on the
phone with a brother as quickly as possible and ask him to pray with you.
I’ve been the recipient of many phone calls like this, and the
temptations are always cut down to size after we pray together. 4. Be aware
of situations going on behind the scenes that add to the battle, such as
an inordinate amount of stress, unconfessed sin, or an unresolved
relationship (perhaps with your spouse.) Do what you need to do now to
resolve these issues. 5. Don’t
let failure get you down; learn from your mistakes and move on. Failure is
a teacher; learn from it, make adjustments and keep going. The forces of
darkness love to pound us with thoughts of despair and hopelessness; don't
buy into it. 6. Remember
that sex is not life; Jesus is (I am the way, the truth and the life. John
14:6). You don't need sex. Solo ejaculation is a quick shot of pleasure
that will leave you miserable, empty and lonelier than you were before.
Sex isn’t love, it's the expression of love to your spouse. Put sex in
its proper perspective. 7. Physical
fitness plays a big part in the battle. You should be vigorously
exercising several times a week, and I don’t mean walking around the
block. Personally I like to work out with weights; it’s a great stress
reliever and I sleep better. If I don't work out for a few days I feel
like a full can of coke that's been shaken and ready to explode. Eating
too many comfort foods (ice cream, sweets, packaged foods) is using food
for pleasure and will feed the instant gratification mentality you're
trying to silence. 8. Your
character will grow stronger every time you say no to instant
gratification. Be persistent and never say die; in time you will become
the master of your body. 9. Every
marriage goes through an occasional period of time where sex dries up. My
wife has been pregnant 3 times since 1999, and after the fifth month of
pregnancy she doesn’t want sex. It’s uncomfortable for her and she’s
self-conscious about her appearance. Counting her recovery time from three
C-sections this means I’ve had about 21 months of celibacy in the past 5
years. I had three choices as to how I could have dealt with this: A.
Masturbate. No way, precious. B. I could
have pulled out 1st Corinthians 7:5 (that stop depriving one another
verse) and hit her with a manipulative guilt trip. We still wouldn’t
have had sex and I would have driven us further apart; I would have been
stuck in resentment for what I couldn't have, and she would have resented
me for not seeing her situation with an understanding heart. We both lose.
C. I could
have chosen death: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also
loved the church and gave Himself up for her..." Ephesians 5:25
Jesus is saying we must be willing to die for our wives just as He
died for us. In marriage there will be times when we need to allow our
right to sex to be crucified for a little while. Just as Jesus approached
Jerusalem determined to die, so there are times where we must choose death
so our spouses can live. Death is
painful, and putting what we want up on the cross is neither easy nor
pleasant. To sleep next to the one woman in the universe I could have sex
with and hold back for a period of months was a struggle. There were times
where I found myself pulling away from her emotionally and I had to remind
myself that (1) our marriage wasn’t just about sex, (2) Michelle was my
best friend, and (3) she was going through a lot of physical discomfort
being pregnant. My clay pot weakness kept me on my knees drawing strength
from the Lord, and I shared my struggles with my brothers who would bless
me by praying for my wife and me. Understand,
I am not saying a wife should purposely withhold sex from her husband, and
he should passively say “ok” if she does this. Marriage is the
fireplace where the flames of sexual desire should be fanned into a
glorious bonfire; they should never be snuffed out. The point is there
will be times when your wife will go through emotional hardships, such as
grieving a loss or encountering physical difficulties and you will both be
blessed if you show her grace, understanding, and love instead of
demanding your due. Picture a church filled with an army of powerful men who say no to instant gratification and self-centered pleasure; they are warriors with strong hearts who stand firm in the culture of lust and, through the cracks of their weakness allow God’s grace to shine through them to others. They model strength, transparency and integrity to their families and love their wives as Christ called them to. This is the high standard we are challenged to aspire to. Or, you could hobble around hissing "the precioussss... I needs the preciousss... |