A
Lesson In Honesty I'd always
heard that if you tell one lie, you eventually must tell another one to
cover up the first. But I didn't really understand the implications of
continuing this pattern over several years. The web woven by my expanding
matrix of lies grew and grew until it devastated every aspect of my life.
Obviously it affected my relationship with my spouse. My analysis
starts with the "crash". I hit the low point of my life the day
I was fired for viewing inappropriate websites at work. I had to go home
and explain. Without much thought, I proceeded home and begged for
forgiveness. I thought our discussion would be about jobs and careers and
boredom at work. But my wife wanted more of an explanation. She wanted to
know everything. What had I looked at? Who had I emailed? Why was I unable
to avoid this outcome, after being caught and reprimanded three months
earlier? Her
questioning uncovered an addiction to sex. It revealed the tip of an
iceberg that I believed would never be fully disclosed. I knew there was a
deep-seated problem, but I had never identified it. Even in numerous
discussions with professional psychologists, it hadn't come to light. Oh,
they were good. But I kept the details to myself, making it impossible for
them to diagnose the problem. Now, the
rules have changed. If I want to stay in the relationship I will have to
be completely honest. I will have to reveal everything I ever did that
might be considered inappropriate. Every woman I was with, every bar I
visited, every dollar I spent. But I can't remember them all. Really, I
can't. I am confused. I am hurting, and feeling an incredible amount of
guilt. Each story I tell about my indiscretions is rooted in a lie. Not
only did I hurt her by acting so selfishly on those uncontrollable
desires, but I lied to her. I lied to make the situations possible; I lied
to cover them up; I lied to protect her. So when she
said, "Is that all, is that everything?", I believed it was all.
I believed I had told the whole truth, and I was satisfied with that. I
believed that because I was lying to myself. The rest didn't matter. No
one would ever know about those indiscretions that remain unspoken. There
was enough found out to fire me, to bury me, to leave me. That's enough, I
thought. But there was more. One painful
vision at a time, they came out. Revealed by stray records of money spent,
or by recovered files of emails forgotten. With each new revelation came
deeper pain for my wife, who had endured all she could imagine by then.
But the web of lies was thick, and it took some time to get through it
all. There was much pain. Unnecessary pain, that could have been prevented
by an injection of honesty anywhere along the road. Amazing as
it is, she and I are together today. Living by new rules that are
preventing a new lie from getting a foothold. The new rules include 100
percent accountability for time, money, whereabouts, and behavior. When I
first agreed to follow these rules, it appeared impossible. But it is
possible. And now I consider the rules my friends, because they are
helping to keep me where I want to be. Out of trouble and in this
relationship. I wish I had understood how easily I could get in so deep.
It started with one lie. What
No Women Can Resist It is said that the wife is the weaker vessel. This does not make your wife a doormat or excessively needy. On the contrary, a woman who is totally supported by her husband is confident about herself & her standing with her chosen partner. She should be a person that needs to feel valued & protected. These are some of the needs of a wife who wants nurture and support. Some may be more important to your wife while others may be less meaningful: Your
wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life…more
important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary,
your hobby, your job, the television or newspaper. |