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Going
it Alone - The Problems with the Individual Approach to Recovery
QUESTION:
Can it work out if I keep this problem from my wife? We
are going through health and job problems now and I just don’t think
adding this to her would help. I have never made real close friends at
church to go and confide to anyone. — Letter to Pure Intimacy
One of the most common
questions asked after acknowledging his sexual brokenness is: “Can I
fix this by myself?” And the unspoken & no less serious part of
this question is: “Do I really have to tell anyone about this?”
It doesn’t matter who asks the question - young or old, male or female,
parent or teen, married or single; most of us want to hide that broken
part of us in the back closet of our lives, away from prying eyes,
ridicule, and embarrassment. While
this is a natural reaction in a fallen world, it is not a healthy one. By
the end of this article, I hope your desire switches from trying to cover
up your sexual sin to trying to identify and use every tool that will help
you heal and recover. I hope you will throw your entire energy into a
renewed and transformed life.
Does this sound impossible or leave you more than a little skeptical?
Perhaps better questions will lead to a different outlook on the problem.
Before we dig any deeper, I want to make clear that this article
applies equally to anyone struggling with intimacy disorder, sex
addiction, pornography use, or other sexual wounds.
A new realization
Let’s start at the beginning—the acknowledgment that something is
wrong. Perhaps you just admitted that your chat room use has gotten out of
control. Or, maybe you are successful businessman whose affair has just
been discovered. This is the moment of truth: you can no longer deny that
there is a problem in your life. Perhaps, you are tempted to excuse this
behavior because of age, stress, circumstances, etc. No one is trying to
force you into a police line-up to determine your guilt; simply admitting
that your behavior is troubling & unhealthy is the first step forward.
People have a difficult time with this first step, largely because they
only see the labels or stigma associated with sex addiction. Let’s set
those labels aside. Before you get ahead of yourself by imagining worst
case scenarios, let’s ask a few basic questions.
·
Do you like what you are doing?
·
Is this the life you pictured for yourself or your
family?
·
Do you think your life will be better or worse if you
continue with your behavior?
Some reading this article
will answer “yes” to one or more of these questions. If this is you,
stop reading. This article assumes a desire to live a healthy life.
Continuing in your behavior cannot be part of that equation. It is
unlikely you will find much of value here until you are truly ready to
hear and apply it.
If you answered “no” to these questions, you have taken your first big
step—you have acknowledged that your life is not what it could or should
be. This really is a big step, because many people are convinced they can
live two lives—the normal life that intersects the real world and real
people, and the fantasy life involving two-dimensional images, imaginary
situations, as well as tremendous isolation, secrecy, and loneliness.
For some people, this double life has been like a safe harbor for stress,
marital strife and loneliness, or other internal pain. It could be that
the thought of giving up such a trusted remedy is frightening. Some may
not even know what life would look like without this fantasy life. The
truth is that as long as you hold onto the hope that these two worlds can
be reconciled, or at least coexist, you will not be able to move toward
healing. Every excuse that
moves beyond recognition of the problem and manifests itself as a
roadblock to recovery must be cast aside without reservation.
The good news is that you can be freed from this unhealthy dependence on
behaviors, images, or people that are actually destroying you. It takes
patience, perseverance, and faith. But, the transformed life also requires
more tangible tools as well—the active assistance of mature, committed,
people.
Now what?
We are back to the question posed at the beginning of this article.
You realize and admit that something is not right in your life. You are
plagued by a twisted or fractured understanding of sexuality. Most people
in this situation feel no small degree of shame or guilt, which,
unfortunately, leads to the desire to keep everything hidden, even while
seeking healing. Does healing really require other people to know about
the problem? Rather than ask
whether or not you have to share this with someone else, consider a
different question: “Where has my own thinking gotten me?”
Many spend considerable energy trying to keep their secret life hidden.
Although they know their behaviors are wrong, they do not seek out the
counsel of a trusted friend. Following their own advice, they determine
that it is best to keep everything secret, hidden, and isolated from
others. Some in recovery call
this “stinking thinking.” This, they say, is the only proof a person
needs that they can’t fix the problem on their own. Does this seem like
your life? Has your own counsel kept you from admitting long ago—when
you first had suspicions that things weren’t right inside - that you
could use help?
If you are clinging to the notion that you can figure this all out on your
own, I will do what I can to pry you from this dangerous idea. If you are
honest with yourself, you have already tried to stop your offending
behavior. Here’s the typical cycle of sexual addiction: You told
yourself a hundred times that you would never do it again. You even
managed to stop for a time, but something triggered a relapse and you went
back to it. You prayed, you cried, you did everything you could think of
to put an end to this miserable struggle. In the end, nothing worked.
Given this long, defeating ordeal, would you still hold onto the idea that
you can fix it without the help of others?
Let’s ask another question: “What
is preventing you from sharing this struggle with others?”
The answer to this question is the real hindrance to recovery. Some common
responses involve fear, shame, guilt, and embarrassment.
Although these are familiar and reasonable answers, all are part of
the problem. Every excuse that moves beyond recognition of the problem and
manifests itself as a roadblock to recovery must be cast aside without
reservation.
As stated earlier, people are afraid of being labeled, judged, cast aside,
rejected, and a whole host of other negative reactions. While there are
legitimate concerns about acting wisely and confiding in safe, mature
believers, we need to recognize that fear is the enemy of love, and
love—of God and others—is our goal in recovery. When we love someone,
we sacrifice ourselves; we engage in service and put their needs above our
own. This is how humans were designed to operate, and precisely how we are
not operating when engaged in a secret life of fantasy.
It may comfort you to know that our First Parents, Adam and Eve, also felt
fear and shame when they disobeyed God. They hid from God and clothed
themselves with little leaves they sewed together.
Does this sound a bit like your situation? Has fear and shame
crippled you from bringing your internal pain into the light? Has this
secrecy prevented you from connecting with God? Have you hidden yourself
from others because of what you’ve done?
Sin has that effect on us. It causes separation, loneliness, fear, and
shame. Sin tries to convince us that we are unwanted, unworthy, and
undesirable. This assessment of our worth seems to mesh with most
people’s recollection of Adam and Eve. They remember an angry God who
kicked them out of the garden and into to a life of pain, hardship, and
toil. The isolation from God
that many in your situation feel is not secondary to your sexual
brokenness. This separation is the heart of your problem.
God’s reaction to Adam
and Eve’s sin was righteous judgment, but it was also compassionate. He
made better clothes for them to alleviate their shame. He also gave them a
promise that He would send a Savior to redeem them from sin and death.
Just as we inherited sin through our First Parents, we have also inherited
God’s promise of forgiveness and salvation, which is found in His Son,
Jesus Christ.
The keys to a transformed life
Beyond the fear, the shame, the embarrassment, the anger and the
loneliness lays another reason why people are afraid to share their
struggle with another. Deep in our core, we are wounded in our heart and
in our soul. The tragedy of Adam and Eve’s story is that we once knew
pure intimacy with one another and with God. We were truly and fully known
and loved with a genuine, authentic, eternal love. This sin in the Garden
of Eden wounded us all where it would hurt the most: our ability to
receive from and return authentic love to God and to each other.
The isolation from God that many in your situation feel is not secondary
to your sexual brokenness. This separation is the heart of your problem.
Even if you are a devoted Christian who hates this sin, it has kept you
apart from God. Our inability
to open ourselves to another to be fully, lovingly, and authentically
known is what leads us to seek inauthentic, temporary, selfish, intimacy
with substances and relationships that were never designed to perform that
function. All of the drugs, alcohol, pornography, serial relationships,
food, or sex in the world will never fulfill us. Only a restored
relationship with God can make us whole, and only though this renewed bond
will we be able to bond with others in a healthy, loving way.
Pure Intimacy is part of a growing movement within the sex
addiction recovery community that emphasizes the spiritual component of
sexual brokenness. The
Iceberg Method to Understanding Intimacy Disorder is a
comprehensive treatment of the interconnection of our bodies, minds, and
spirits. While your behavior may have gotten you in trouble, damaged
thoughts and emotions led you to act out. Deeper than the life of your
mind, however, was a wounded or rebellious spirit that could not find its
comfort in the Creator, and sought refuge in a life of fantasy and
self-medicating behaviors.
A renewed, transformed life does not simply seek to stop a behavior, as
important as that is. The real recovery is one in which our
lives—behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and relationship to God and
others—is made new and restored to what He originally intended.
Several articles speak of intimacy disorder as the driving force
behind addictive behavior. If our core problem is one of a disordered
search for intimacy, then it would make sense that restoring a healthy
vision of this would be our goal. Let’s
look one more time to the question at the beginning.
“Can I fix this by myself?”
God has given us friends, mentors, and spouses because, as a people, we
need community. Isolation only feeds the secrecy, lies, and shame that
have kept us from realizing our true design for fellowship with others.
Here are some other questions to consider:
·
Can you restore a healthy intimacy with God & others
without the involvement of others?
·
How will you know what true intimacy looks like or how to
develop it?
·
If you’ve felt that separation from God your entire
life, do you know how to connect with Him?
True and lasting recovery
involves a community of responsible, committed people. This community will
likely include a Christian
counselor trained in intimacy disorders or sex addiction, a
spiritual mentor, such as a pastor or mature Christian friend, a group of
serious friends with whom you can develop accountability
relationships, and the loving support of trusted family
members.
There are resources on this site to help you set up these relationships
and encourage you to begin the process of rebuilding your life. All of
this may seem daunting, but take heart, God loves you more than you know
and He will be with you every step of the way. Just ask Him. “This is
love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an
atoning sacrifice for our sins. …We love because he first loved us.”
— 1 John 4:10, 19
Copyright © 2004 Focus
on the Family. |